


The Hardest Part

by MyWolfIsAnAssbutt



Series: DNFs and falling in love [1]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: And violence, Anger, Belgian Grand Prix 2018, Developing Relationship, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationship, Injury, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, mental health, questionable thoughts, there is mentions of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 02:20:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15809340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyWolfIsAnAssbutt/pseuds/MyWolfIsAnAssbutt
Summary: The rage doesn't hit him until after he's in the silence of his motor home, his own personal space.Here he is alone. Here no one can see the iceman loose his cool.





	The Hardest Part

**Author's Note:**

> So this race weekend was just so shit basically hahaha. Honestly I'm just so glad that no one got hurt. This is just an idea which came to me bc I can't imagine that Kimi isn't fazed by his constant bad luck.

**The Hardest Part**

 

The rage doesn't hit him until after he's in the silence of his motor home. Until people stop asking him crowding around him and the cars roaring around the circuit are barely audible.

The race start is... interesting. He gets away well but then gets swamped by other cars. His heart leaps in his chest as he sees a flash of orange flying through the air behind him and it crashes down upon a sauber. He prays Charles is alright and thanks god that he managed to avoid any damage when suddenly he feels a hit from behind. Ignoring it, he keeps pushing on but then he feels the car veer off to one side, the spilt tyre rattling around behind him. Exasperation overwhelms him. ' _How is it always me?!'_  He thinks, ' _What have I done to deserve this shit again?'_

He's flying down the start/finish straight when he realises that something's up with the back of his car, his DRS is stuck open. Great... Yet a part of him wonders what would happen if he just pressed down the throttle and his right foot twitches before his rational mind stops him.

 

They retire the car and he feels zapped of any emotion. His limbs are heavy with disappointment and he wants to just go home and forget this shitty weekend ever happened.  _'King of Spa my ass'_ he scoffs to himself as another journalist asks him another pointless question, trying to press for any sort of reaction from him.

Mark leaves him to go and sort their earlier flight home and Kimi is glad that he's so in tune with him after all these years. Even Mark knew he wanted to be alone before he did. Across the paddock he sees Charles heading to the Sauber motorhome and he allows him a smile, relieved that another young driver wasn't snapped away from them too soon. Charles grins back and waves to him, and Kimi's heart is warmed, mentally noting to call him later because the young rookie reminds him so much of himself and he wants only the best for him.

Walking into his own motorhome, his own personal space causes the emotions from the weekend to come flooding back to him. Here he is alone, here no one can come and see the iceman loose his cool.

As hard as he tries not to think about it, flashes of this weekends disasters invade his mind. His heartbeat steadily rises until the blood is whooshing in his ears and his fists are clenching and unclenching in fury. He takes off his glasses and cap, setting them on the table before he sits down on the chair opposite the bed, his cold eyes cutting holes into the pillows there.

Pent up anger at the mistakes of quali which cost him a better position in the grid, potentially which could've saved him from this DNF. The frustration that he's came back fighting after summer break to try and keep up his streak of podiums, over within seconds after lights out. The infuriation that's caused by the fact that he's in his best form in years, helping the team fight for the WCC and yet he still can't fucking get a win or even fight for it because his bad luck is beyond comical....

 

He doesn't even realise that his lip is raw from chewing on it until he feels a pinch of pain and the shock pushes him off his feet and he throws one of his pillows across the trailer and into the door. 

Said object bounces off the door window and thumps dully onto the floor,  _'can't even throw a fucking pillow right.'_ The voice in his head taunts him and suddenly the dissatisfaction of throwing the pillow floods over him and suddenly he's seething as all the fury of the weekend hits him.

Huffing quietly he picks up his water bottle and throws it at the wardrobe, nodding as it smashes loudly and he wants to just tear the room apart and let it all out. He quietly roars as he kicks the table a few times, taking no notice of the splinters flying as he takes two of the legs off it.

Next is the poor cupboard doors. He's grins in satisfaction as the edges cut into his palms as he pulls them off their hinges, the adrenaline pushing him onwards to the dry wall next to the door. Kicking it a few times and then punching a hole into it with a yell, a voice in the back of his mind hopes no one hears him loosing it.

Storming over to the wardrobe he rips the clothes hanging up out of it and letting out another cry of anguish as he yanks the metal rack onto the floor and then accidentally hits the mirror with it.  

He laughs at the irony of it and stupidly prods one of the many mini- Kimi's in the smashed reflections. However, he doubts the 7 years bad luck will affect his life any differently and he doesn't even notice how crazed he looks through the shards of glass. 

 

He keeps going, smashing and yelling and tearing the place apart before finally, tears of anger and hurt are stinging at his eyes and he stops, feet giving out below him and he collapses on the floor in a heap. His knuckles are bleeding and under his smashed nails are bits of blood and wood, a piece of mirror embedded into the palm of his hand. Gingerly he plucks it out and tries to staunch the flow using his fireproof shirt, blood spreading into the pristine white. 

He doesn't know if it's the pain, the disappointment of the weekend but suddenly he's crying- unable to stop the stream of tears overflowing onto his cheeks. The sobs break out of him without his permission and he can't stop them as the rumble through his body and shake it. He hasn't been this upset over racing in years but he sometimes forgets how much he cares about it and it causes him to do shit like this.

He looks around the destroyed motorhome and it makes him ashamed to think he lost it like that. He's sick of this- dropping the ball in quali, losing out in the race, unable to take it to their rivals and what's more depressing is that this is his best form in years.

 

As he gets more hysterical, he bites down hard on his fist, trying to muffle the awful wails that come out of him when he gets this bad. He's curled into a tight ball and his whole body aches with the pain, as his tears soak into his overalls.  _'Pathetic'_ he thinks to himself, ' _look at yourself, crying and throwing a tantrum like a child.'_

So absorbed in his own emotions, he fails to hear the knocking on the door until it's too late and the curly head of hair is peaking round the door. 

"Hey Kimi, sorry, I-" Daniel's sunny voice breaks the silence in the room and he stops as soon as he sees the damage in the motorhome and he takes in the 38 year old man crying his heart out on the floor. 

"Holy shit Kimi! What the fuck happened?! Are you okay man?" Daniel shouts, rushing in to check him over.

Ashamed, he tucks his head further into his knees, "Yeah Daniel," He mutters, clearing his throat to try and hide the fact that he was crying. "I'm fine, just needed to let off some steam."

Daniel nods, awkwardly standing yet crouching at the same time, unsure if he should stay or go. "Erm.. mate I can leave you alone....if you want that is?"

Without looking up he nods to himself and goes to send him away, "I-" he tries but his tears choke him and the rest of his words get stuck in his throat.

Daniel stops mid turn and goes back to face Kimi, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I know you might not want to talk to me right now but it's better to let it out then keep it in and let it eat you inside out."

Finally Kimi looks up and Daniel gasps softly as he takes in the man before him. Daniel has to admit, he is no ugly cryer. His face is flushed, his lips are red and shiny from spit and his eyes are glistening back at him, swimming with tears as his long blonde eyelashes are wetly clumped together.

"Kimi..." he breathes, unsure of how to comfort a man who supposedly has no emotions. 

 

Tentatively he sits down beside him and hugs him, laughing as he struggles briefly before melting into the embrace and pressing his face into Daniel's shoulder. 

"So... not having a good day?" Daniel tries, mentally hitting himself at how insensitive it sounded.

Kimi laughed but after a minute his shoulders began shaking again as the sobs manage to break their way back out of him. Leaning back, he looks up at Daniels soft and open face and the shame he's been feeling quells a little and before he can stop himself, he lets his secret feelings slip.

"I don't think I can do this anymore." He blurts out, eyes watering again as his disappointment washes over him again but somehow it feels like a massive pressure has been lifted off his chest. 

Daniel opens his mouth but then closes it and pulls him close to his side.

"I just- I'm so exhausted with it all and I seriously don't know if I can keep doing this every other week." He whispers, looking down at his hands and noting that the cut in his hand has stopped bleeding.

Daniel smiles kindly at him and nods, " I get how you feel Kimi. Nothing is more shit than having a failure or a retirement pretty much every race week. It can really get you down but listen nothing can change it now. So let's forget it and we'll do something- cheer you up."

"No." Kimi says resolutely.

Daniel quirks a brow, confused. "No...?"

Kimi sighs, unable to hold it back. "I'm not... you don't understand Daniel." 

Humming, Daniel pulls Kimi closer to his side, rubbing his hand soothingly across the tops of his shoulders. Leaning in to press his temple to the blonde man's, "Then help me understand mate. Please let me help you." He mutters, heart breaking for the older man.

 

Letting out a shaky and twisting his hands together, Kimi finally speaks what he didn't even realise he was feeling. "I just... Yes, you've had a pretty shitty season but you've still won races. You can't- I haven't won anything in years and when I do have the chances then I either let it slip away or something bad happens." 

Daniel hums as Kimi wipes his hands on his race overalls pooled around his waist.

"I mean, I like to think that I'm pretty strong- mentally- but you don't have any idea what it's like, to be doubted year after year. To be constantly criticised and hear that you are in a seat undeserving to you for the last 4 years. To be told that your old and worthless, only good at playing your teammates bitch. Yeah, your season's been rough but I'm in my best form in years and it's still not good enough. Even when I am, things like the team messing up or bad luck just come to take any joy out of my racing... and I just don't know if I can keep doing this..."

Kimi turns away from him, blushing and embarrassed that he's let so much spill to a rival. He hopes Daniel is good enough to play it down when he makes fun of him to the other guys at a later date, and he wipes away another tear which has escaped.

He turns as Daniel spins him around by his shoulders and they both stare into each other's eyes for a moment. Two polar opposites of cold blue eyes and warm chocolate brown. Kimi's cheeks flush once again and his breath hitches as he falls further into their dark pools and Daniel also struggles to breathe as those eyes pierce into his soul.

"Kimi, I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. I wish I could help you and you're right- I don't know how you feel. But I want you to know that your not washed up or a waste of a seat, your perfect in your own way- I would be lucky to have you in my team."

Kimi looks away and Daniel gently tilts his face back to him with a finger under his chin. "Tomorrow is another day, forget this shitty weekend and don't let it ruin your life anymore. I'll always be here for you to talk to and if you want I can give you my sports psychologists number. But I'm sorry if I ruined your race and contributed to you feeling like shit. I just wish I could do more to help you."

Smiling slightly, Kimi shrugged. "In all honesty, you've already helped me feel better. Im sorry I was so caught up in my own drama that I didn't think about your DNF..." 

Daniel grinned broadly, his smile lighting up the room. "Don't worry about it Kimi. I'm leaving for better and brighter things- this year is just about practice for me now."

 

Feeling much more calm and like the burden on his back had been made lighter, Kimi impulsively leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to Daniel's stubbly cheek.

Daniel's heart stops in surprise and then a flush falls over him as the heat imprinted from Kimi's lips on his cheek burn through his body. 

Intertwining his fingers in his own, Daniel stands up and wipes the tears away from Kimi's face with his other hand. He leads them both to the door, tugging slightly as Kimi looks back to the mess in shame.

Daniel smiles softly at him and chuckles, "Hey buddy, no one will see it. We can make up a story about a bear or some shit. Let's just go my motorhome and we can just chill and have a nap."

Kimi nods smiling and grabs his shades and hat out of Daniel's hands. "Yeah... I think I'd like that." 

 

Stepping out into the early evening sun, the two drivers left the carnage behind them, hand in hand. Both knowing that they had each other's backs, that they knew each other's secrets. 

 _'Yeah I can do this,'_ Kimi thought, glancing over to the bouncing ball of sunshine beside him, the smile never leaving his face as he expressively talked about his summer break.

_'Especially with a man like that beside me.'_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this! I hope it's not got too many mistakes- I've just thrown this together really quickly. Sorry if it was a bit much but I got carried away with my own feelings towards today's race. Honestly I was low key crying bc Kimi deserves so much better T-T
> 
> Please leave me a comment and kudos if you liked it tho <3


End file.
